*In Usher singing voice: This is my confession*
I am angry.
I am rageful.
I am bitter.
I am reminded over and over that anger is not necessarily a sin.
But trust me, I have crossed the line into sin.
I told my director that I needed to write her number on my hand so I had someone to call and bail me out.
Their stupid conference had me triggered. A plagiarized conference based off their cult leader, Doug Wilson. In a building that so many faithfully gave for them to purchase. Most of those givers no longer attend.
I had daydreamed about printing us all t-shirts that said "Time to trip Sally"--A play off a sermon the pastor preached about-- 'this is not saying that there is never a situation where physical force maybe the most loving thing you can do..right? Sometimes the most loving thing you can do, is maybe, actually, to use physical force. Not simply, you know, physically turning the other cheek........At the same time, if Sally is coming into church to hurt people, maybe tripping her and having her fall on her face might be the most loving thing for you to do.' (Sermon, Feb 5 2023)
Using that same logic. My anger was telling me, it is time to trip them. You know, as a loving gesture to get them to STOP hurting people.
I spewed a tiny fraction of that anger on social media. And then cried through church. I couldn't bear faking it through worshiping God at that moment. I was angry and desiring to sin. And that realization crushed me. Meanwhile, they were a few blocks away. Now, kneeling in church, their newest addition to "behave very holy without actually repenting for all the people they hurt, manipulated, and bamboozled" Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against kneeling in prayer. But their growing grandiose displays of "holiness' seemed to be just that.
Thank goodness for counseling the next day.
I also read, "Overcoming Emotions that Destroy" which has been incredibly helpful. So helpful, in fact, that I immediately started it over again.
Not helpful enough that I didn't write this post.
Here are my current action items from finishing that book.
- Drive in the right-hand lane (this actually has absolutely nothing to do with the anger at hand, I just hurry too much and need to slow down.) Hurry and peace do not co-exist.
- I blocked everyone's phone numbers, twitters, and Facebook's associated with the church. I deleted phone numbers. They would never admit to playing games on their social media, but it's there. And I won't be baited into reacting to antics anymore.
- Figure out how to be angry, but not sin.
- Own my own crap. I am sinning my face off. Time to repent and move on.
- Turn my pain into purpose.
There are SO many others that have walked in these same shoes. Worse even. Much worse. And I want to take this pain and help others.
I just don't know where to begin.
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