It has been awhile since I have been raw and candid. Or even written on a regular basis. But when I reflect, I get so much joy of looking back and re-reading the different stages we have gone through.
So here is a snap-shot of where we are.
It's January. Another new year. Cabin fever has set in, and today has felt like a total failure. It is out of Owen's nature to be extremely temperamental. It is not, however, out of his nature to be clingy. Today, I experienced both. All. Day. Long. Which, with two children now, is tough. I can't take the crying and fussiness, so I can't really blame Haley when she acts out---acts out in frustration, acts out wanting attention, acts out because of sensory overload.
By the end of the night I was drained. I was vacuuming the floor--feeling very woe is me. I reflected on the moments where I snapped at my kids--shamefully in front of YMCA employees. Shamefully in front of strangers at Price Chopper. I reflected at snapping at my husband in resentment....but still:
Woe is me.
There are days where I feel like a styrofoam coffee cup with a hole poked in the bottom. Slowly, I leak with a drip, drip, drip. Until I feel totally and utterly drained. I have no patience left to give. When there was a time, when I worked with a child with special needs, that I prided myself with the amount of patience I demonstrated. But with me own kids......I snap. I am short. I yell. And by the end of the day--I am feeling like a cranky monster. I wouldn't love me.
Woe is me.
I continued into this downward spiral of self-pity. I began to feel angry. Wondering when someone was going to fill up my leaky cup. When someone would attend to my needs. When someone would care take of the care taker for a change. After all, the job of a full time care taker is relentless. I ditch my kids for a couple hours a week so I can go workout. Which, obviously I enjoy----but my workouts are intense and don't always decompress me or fill up my emotional cup. Plus, there is the factor of dragging them there, which has proven to be a difficult task in the dead of winter with two children and two arms. Sometimes I wish I had 8 arms, but God knows I would still manage to find ways to fill all of them.
Woe is me.
And then like a train it hit me. The realization that I was getting it all wrong. My focus was in all of the wrong places. In my mind, I would gain more patience and warm fuzzy feelings if my cup was being filled. I couldn't give another drop until someone attended to me. Wrong. I needed an attitude adjustment and a game plan. If I wanted to feel 'good' again, I needed to start giving 'good' again. I needed to stop care taking, and start nourishing. The reason my cup is filling empty is because I was not pouring myself into the real joys of my position in the family. Showing up and going through the motions doesn't just hurt my heart. But it hurts my children too. And quickly, we are all filling the negative effects of a mother who is just there. Cold. Negative, And disapproving,
And them I am reminded of Colossians 3:23-24 “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.”
So here is a snap-shot of where we are.
It's January. Another new year. Cabin fever has set in, and today has felt like a total failure. It is out of Owen's nature to be extremely temperamental. It is not, however, out of his nature to be clingy. Today, I experienced both. All. Day. Long. Which, with two children now, is tough. I can't take the crying and fussiness, so I can't really blame Haley when she acts out---acts out in frustration, acts out wanting attention, acts out because of sensory overload.
By the end of the night I was drained. I was vacuuming the floor--feeling very woe is me. I reflected on the moments where I snapped at my kids--shamefully in front of YMCA employees. Shamefully in front of strangers at Price Chopper. I reflected at snapping at my husband in resentment....but still:
Woe is me.
There are days where I feel like a styrofoam coffee cup with a hole poked in the bottom. Slowly, I leak with a drip, drip, drip. Until I feel totally and utterly drained. I have no patience left to give. When there was a time, when I worked with a child with special needs, that I prided myself with the amount of patience I demonstrated. But with me own kids......I snap. I am short. I yell. And by the end of the day--I am feeling like a cranky monster. I wouldn't love me.
Woe is me.
I continued into this downward spiral of self-pity. I began to feel angry. Wondering when someone was going to fill up my leaky cup. When someone would attend to my needs. When someone would care take of the care taker for a change. After all, the job of a full time care taker is relentless. I ditch my kids for a couple hours a week so I can go workout. Which, obviously I enjoy----but my workouts are intense and don't always decompress me or fill up my emotional cup. Plus, there is the factor of dragging them there, which has proven to be a difficult task in the dead of winter with two children and two arms. Sometimes I wish I had 8 arms, but God knows I would still manage to find ways to fill all of them.
Woe is me.
And then like a train it hit me. The realization that I was getting it all wrong. My focus was in all of the wrong places. In my mind, I would gain more patience and warm fuzzy feelings if my cup was being filled. I couldn't give another drop until someone attended to me. Wrong. I needed an attitude adjustment and a game plan. If I wanted to feel 'good' again, I needed to start giving 'good' again. I needed to stop care taking, and start nourishing. The reason my cup is filling empty is because I was not pouring myself into the real joys of my position in the family. Showing up and going through the motions doesn't just hurt my heart. But it hurts my children too. And quickly, we are all filling the negative effects of a mother who is just there. Cold. Negative, And disapproving,
And them I am reminded of Colossians 3:23-24 “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ.”
Am I mothering in a way that glorifies God? Am I focusing on the big picture? And why do I get so bent out of shape over the tiny things. Lacking the ability to pick my battles--and not tapping into my more soft and nurturing nature as created the fast leak in my cup, and the only fix is me--with God's help and guidance.
Woe is me, is all wrong. Shame on me, is more like it....
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