Grief doesn't follow a straight line. And honestly, there's not much out there about grieving the loss of a church community. I can't offer you a Biblical or scientifically backed explanation of what this type of grief should entail, but I can share my own experience:
Among the waves of devastation and panic, grief first presented itself to me cloaked in bargaining.
It was a familiar guise, like slipping into a well-worn hoodie, but accessorized with shame and self-loathing.
The bargain was simple:
"If I can just fix myself, I can go back."
Years earlier, my husband and I sought counseling from a Christian therapist who understood the challenges faced by first responders. In a moment of desperation, I reached out to her again, explaining that we had stepped away from our church for the foreseeable future. I acknowledged my own role in the situation and sought guidance on how to address it.
The plan was clear: six months of counseling to fix myself, then we could return. I even drafted a message to our pastor outlining my intentions. But when I shared my plan with my husband, he refused to entertain the idea of returning. I pushed back, argued, and pleaded, but ultimately deleted the message to my pastor and proceeded with counseling anyway.
Maybe he just needed more time, I thought. Maybe if he saw me making progress, he would change his mind. Maybe then we could go back.
Comments