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You Should Be Here


Dear Dad,

First things first, I love you.  I miss you.  And I am sorry.

I wish I had told you that sooner.  It still haunts me. 

For too long, I wanted to hate you.  I wanted to hate you for hurting mom.  I wanted to hate you for leaving.  I wanted to hate you for coming and going.  I wanted to hate you for being so damn selfish. But I didn't.  I only hated how much I loved spending time with you.  I didn't want to want you.  I didn't want to miss you.  For me.  For mom.  It was like loving you meant I wasn't grateful for my life.   So at times, I pushed you away.  I am sorry.

Wasted time.

God made something beautiful out of the broken.  Mom did so good.  You knew John was a good man  And in some ways, it was good not having to come and go--being a visitor everywhere and home to nowhere.  That is no life for a kid.  We had stability.  We had love.

There was, however, always a piece of my heart that betrayed me.  A piece of me that wanted you around.  A piece of me I saw clearer when you were around.  Like my ability to see life with clarity and lightheartedness.  Mom always said it was like I had an 'old soul'.  I think I got that from you.  
My witty humor--especially to lighten the mood or cheer up others.  Which, the older I get, I realize is basically a Beebe thing.  When we get 'the Beebes' together, we are laughing until our sides hurt. How we both loved socializing and being right in the center of things.  The amazing buzz we get from making others laugh and being in the center of it all.  My sometimes selfish nature.  And how I can't hear Cher without thinking about that trip to Louisiana.  

I loved how much you loved Ian.  We all knew Ian and I were too young to get married.  But you never let that get in your way of approving him.  You saw exactly what I saw in him..  And I absolutely loved how well you guys connected.  It helped us build a special relationship in my adult life.  I found a 'Thank You' card I had written you in your Bible talking about how much it meant to me you got to meet Ian and that you approved of him.  Sometimes I think about that card when I am mad as hell or being a pain in the ass in my marriage.  A reminder left behind that he is worth it; and you were ALWAYS in our corner.

But man oh man, I miss your hugs Dad.  No one hugs like you.  No one.  What I would do for one more hug.  

But on to more pressing business.  As you know, Grandma is being called home.  In so many ways, I feel like I am losing you all over again. A big piece of you lived on in Grandma, and it is slipping away--just as much as Grandma herself is slipping away.  I don't know how heaven works, but I just ask you be looking over us.  Help guide me during this time--I feel like since you are in heaven you can call in that favor for me.  I have been praying, but it never hurts to have someone a little closer to the source pulling strings in my favor. My heart is absolutely breaking seeing grandma like this.  I don't want her to be in pain anymore and I want to be that calm and comfort when she needs it. When times get rough, and I want to break--I think about you welcoming her to heaven with one of your signature hugs.  

I know I pushed you away when you were here.  But know your guidance is welcomed.  Sometimes I think I can feel you.  And sometimes I think I get 'signs' (ladybugs) from you.  I try not to focus too much on that, because I don't know how heaven works.  So I try to keep my heart open--just in case.  

I wish you were here.  I was planning on making you broccoli bread when I heard you were planning on a trip to KC.  I wanted you to meet baby Owen and I wanted to extend that olive branch.  My heart aches thinking about the fact that you never held your grandson.  I am so so sorry for that. 

I love you Dad.  I bet your view from heaven is beating the hell out of ours down here.  When grandma gets to you, give her a hug and a kiss for me.  Miss her already.

Love, 
Bre

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