Since I can't sleep, I guess I will blog. Chances are, it will be so boring that it will even put me to sleep.
First a recap. Today was a fantastic day. I slept in (which is probably why I can't sleep). Haley slept in (probably why she wouldn't fall asleep until 10). The weather was nice (I'll take 60 degree weather in December in any form, gloomy and all). I found out we are going to have our basketball league after-all (yay!). Had a nice play date and got to catch up with a friend (mom-to-mom time is a must have). And I am super excited about date night tomorrow (dinner & comedy club).
I was bored and re-read some of my previous blogs. Please know that I am sarcastic and joking in a lot of my remarks. A few posts ago, I mentioned not liking to buy stuff for my kid. I was totally joking, but if any of my readers missed my tone in that comment, you may view me as selfish. So it got me thinking about selfishness. It has been a common theme popping up around me lately, and I just wanted to blog about it and its destructiveness.
Actually instead of taking this in the negative, let's turn it around to the positive and talk about generosity. Ya'll know me. I listen to Dr. Laura daily. Many people love to hate her, but she is so right in much of what she says, so a lot of the ideas I am about to discuss are piggy-backed off her commentary on this subject. And like always, I'll be talking in circles, so stay with me...
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
We live in a world where almost half of all first marriages end in divorce. And marriages in which the couple is in the early 20's, much more likely to split up (divorce rate is like...twice as high); usually within 5 years. Add a child in those stats; you have a cocktail for disaster. In theory, it appears as if we have set ourselves up for failure. But I am here to say, divorce is not an option for us. I'm not saying we have the perfect marriage. Because we don't, I assure you. I'm not here to patronize you. And I am not saying that I know a lot about marriage. Because I don't. I am saying, I listen to a woman, hours a day, who knows a hell of a lot about marriage, so there is a lot of truth in what I am about to say...
"Choose wisely, treat kindly". I choose wisely. How, at 19, I managed that. I am not sure. But I married myself a selfless, good man. The "treat kindly" part is were I tend to struggle from time to time. Why? Selfishness.
Why am I even blogging about this? Because I need this. I need this to be something I can re-read and remind myself. Because I haven't always treated kindly. I am also writing this in hopes that someone out there will read this and apply it in their own marriage, and perhaps find the happiness and peace that it has brought us.
When is the last time you woke up and thought, what can I do for my husband/wife to make him/her happy they are alive. Make them happy they are married to me? If you're like me, you're human and wake up thinking a million other things. Sometimes I wake up, thinking about all the things I have to get done. Sometimes I wake up annoyed because I was hot because I stole all the covers. Sometimes I wake up resentful because while he gets to sleep in, I am awake all hours of the night feeding and attending to a child. It's terrible, but it is fact. It is human. And it is real. -----But something, very special, and very powerful happens when we start to put other people's happiness in front of our own. When we are generous in our actions. But before actions comes our thoughts. We have to train ourselves to think in the positive. To think, generously. What can I do, to make his day good. What can I do, to make him happy he is married to me. How can you have a bad marriage with that attitude (assuming the person you're married too instead a complete........)
Generosity is the key to a very happy marriage. Focusing, not on how you feel or what you want, but on how your significant other is feeling.
I am into mathematics and stats. So there is no surprise this ratio is stuck in my mind, forever. 5 to 1. In a study conducted, that ratio is the magic ratio in happy, successful marriages. Happy couples do or say 5 nice or positive things for their spouse for every 1 negative interaction.
Let's break this down even deeper. This concept of generosity. I don't mean this in a material type of way. I mean this in an emotion sense. Think about it. As a wife, we know what our husbands want. So when asked the question, what can I do to make him happy he is married to me? Well, there are two ways to man's heart that I know of. So the kitchen or the bedroom are two good places to start. From there, is just icing on the cake, so-to-speak.
I can never be what he/she needs me to be. Things are okay, but never great. That is something I hear a lot of. And guess what, you are absolutely correct. You can never be what your spouse needs you to be if you are still putting your wants and needs above theirs. So many people use this to quit on their marriages. Thinking they will find happiness elsewhere. Truth is, that very attitude will find you in the same unhappiness time and time again. Selfishness destroys marriages. And marriages weren't meant to be destroyed for a reason.
Anyways, enough with my soap box. I am a work in progress. Marriage isn't easy. 20 is entirely too young to get married. It is not an excuse for my short comings, but it is something I have come to understand yet not regret. I am lucky. I choose wisely. My life has been blessed beyond what I ever deserved. And it is going to be hard work. But totally worth it.
Children, don't fix marriages. They make things harder. More complicated. More needs in the balancing act. But somehow, in the last year of my marriage, we have reached a place I never imagined we could be. I owe that a lot to an attitude. Being a parent has taught me a whole new level of selflessness. It has given us the opportunity to experience a whole new relationship dynamic. And I am proud to be able to model the type of marriage I would like my daughter to have someday. Is it perfect? Most certainly not. But it's ours.
May you all find peace and happiness in your marriages.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
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