This is probably a very strange thing to be blue about in the big picture of things. I have a totally happy and healthy baby girl. So I hate to complain and be down about something so seemingly trivial, but I have had something eating at me that I need to get off my chest.
When I got pregnant, I had this amazing picture of what pregnancy, birthing, and parents was going to be like. I took classes, read books. I had a plan. 38 weeks pregnant, that plan went out the window. I was pressured into an induction, which made the "natural" birth I had wanted almost impossible ( I hear that Pitocin is some mean stuff) & with the hospital handing out epidurals like candy, how could I say no. While I was happy to have the pain stop, I felt so defeated as a parent and my child wasn't even born yet. It's not that epidurals are bad and horrible. In fact, they are magical and wonderful. But it was that I quickly dismissed what I wanted and didn't have the strength to endure.
Breastfeeding was also a huge deal for me. I was excited to have that experience. It is undoubtedly, extremely important to the kidlet. I could list off the extremely long list, of well documented, heavily researched, benefits of the boob, but I won't because we have all heard them a bajillion times by now. I survived the first few days of pain, bleeding, and tears and established good nursing routine with Haley. It was exhausting and took a lot of work and dedication, but it was absolutely worth it. Rewind to July. When Haley was a few months old, we had this whole ordeal over poop. Long story short, the doctor instructed me to start pumping and adding Kero syrup to her bottle at every other feeding. One of the biggest no-nos in nursing is offering bottles too early or too often. Babies love the boob, but they also love how easy the bottle it. If they take the bottle, they learn quickly how easy it is. Following doctor's orders, I did so. I pumped and gave her bottles. Come to find out, all of that was unnecessary and very damaging to my well established breastfeeding.
The thing about pumping is that, it doesn't remove the milk as well as a kidlet. Supply and demand. If not as much of the supply is used, the body makes less milk. So I constantly stressed about getting her enough to eat. I tried to go back to breastfeeding without the bottle, but she wouldn't. She would cry and fight me on it. Looking back I should have gotten the help of a lactation consultant from the moment the doctor told me to start pumping, but I didn't. I ended up pumping and bottle feeding until August. But my supply continued to diminish. Probably due to the fact that I was so stressed that I couldn't make enough. I couldn't do it anymore. And so, I was defeated. Haley got a food 4-5 months of breast milk, but that wasn't the year I had been planning on. (Yes that's right, I was going to breastfeed her for the first year)
At first, to be honest, it didn't really bother me. I was ready to be done pumping. It was horrible. Being connected to that machine, being milked like a dang cow. It took so much time to get enough for her to eat that I was pumping for hours a day. But now, looking back, I can see so many things I could have done different to support my own nursing efforts. I should have listen to my own mom instinct. I am finding more and more not to second guess myself. I do know what I am doing after all.
And so I am bummed. I wish I did more. And I am sad that I compermised something that was so important to me. Lesson learned.
When I got pregnant, I had this amazing picture of what pregnancy, birthing, and parents was going to be like. I took classes, read books. I had a plan. 38 weeks pregnant, that plan went out the window. I was pressured into an induction, which made the "natural" birth I had wanted almost impossible ( I hear that Pitocin is some mean stuff) & with the hospital handing out epidurals like candy, how could I say no. While I was happy to have the pain stop, I felt so defeated as a parent and my child wasn't even born yet. It's not that epidurals are bad and horrible. In fact, they are magical and wonderful. But it was that I quickly dismissed what I wanted and didn't have the strength to endure.
Breastfeeding was also a huge deal for me. I was excited to have that experience. It is undoubtedly, extremely important to the kidlet. I could list off the extremely long list, of well documented, heavily researched, benefits of the boob, but I won't because we have all heard them a bajillion times by now. I survived the first few days of pain, bleeding, and tears and established good nursing routine with Haley. It was exhausting and took a lot of work and dedication, but it was absolutely worth it. Rewind to July. When Haley was a few months old, we had this whole ordeal over poop. Long story short, the doctor instructed me to start pumping and adding Kero syrup to her bottle at every other feeding. One of the biggest no-nos in nursing is offering bottles too early or too often. Babies love the boob, but they also love how easy the bottle it. If they take the bottle, they learn quickly how easy it is. Following doctor's orders, I did so. I pumped and gave her bottles. Come to find out, all of that was unnecessary and very damaging to my well established breastfeeding.
The thing about pumping is that, it doesn't remove the milk as well as a kidlet. Supply and demand. If not as much of the supply is used, the body makes less milk. So I constantly stressed about getting her enough to eat. I tried to go back to breastfeeding without the bottle, but she wouldn't. She would cry and fight me on it. Looking back I should have gotten the help of a lactation consultant from the moment the doctor told me to start pumping, but I didn't. I ended up pumping and bottle feeding until August. But my supply continued to diminish. Probably due to the fact that I was so stressed that I couldn't make enough. I couldn't do it anymore. And so, I was defeated. Haley got a food 4-5 months of breast milk, but that wasn't the year I had been planning on. (Yes that's right, I was going to breastfeed her for the first year)
At first, to be honest, it didn't really bother me. I was ready to be done pumping. It was horrible. Being connected to that machine, being milked like a dang cow. It took so much time to get enough for her to eat that I was pumping for hours a day. But now, looking back, I can see so many things I could have done different to support my own nursing efforts. I should have listen to my own mom instinct. I am finding more and more not to second guess myself. I do know what I am doing after all.
And so I am bummed. I wish I did more. And I am sad that I compermised something that was so important to me. Lesson learned.
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