Skip to main content

Posts

Staff Devotion

  As many of you know, this year is a fairly big transition for me. I couldn’t have prayed for a better position or 6th-grade team. Truly. It has been amazing. But it has also been exhausting. Not “quite newborn baby” exhausting—but definitely exhausting. It has changed every single aspect of my life. Recently, I was reflecting on Matthew 11:28-30 (ESV): “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Now, I don’t know about you, but when I hear that Jesus' yoke is light, I sometimes wonder—are we sure He was thinking about teachers? Because, let me tell you, the load we carry doesn’t always feel light! I could be tempted to think: if I am living out God’s will in my life as a wife, mother, and teacher—why am I so tired? Didn’t He say His yoke is easy and the burden is light? As I pondered this, ...
Post a Comment
You Know You Want to Know More....>>
Recent posts

Healing Happens Quietly

Healing doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s not something that arrives with fireworks. It sneaks up on you—kind of like when you misplace your keys, only to realize they’ve been in your hand the whole time. It’s a destination you reach over time. At some point, I wasn’t even thinking about the journey, and then—bam!—I was there. Healed. Walking in forgiveness, freedom, and all those other things that make you feel like a functioning adult. Joy, patience, humility… you get the picture. But healing isn’t this big emotional experience. It’s the lack of emotion—the absence of bitterness, anger, and that soul-sucking sorrow. You know, the kind that used to park rent-free in your heart like it owned the place. It's like realizing you no longer care about that old wound. Not in a “frankly my dear, I don’t give a darn” kind of way (though it can feel like that), but more like, "Huh, I’m no longer chained to that pain. Praise God for peace!" Healing happens when you catch yourself...
Post a Comment
You Know You Want to Know More....>>

Never Say When

At some point in my journey, I forgot that church leaders are flawed humans too. I have a tendency to overly respect authority for the sake of their position. I assumed, being a pastor meant that there is some how a higher spiritual connection. Consequently, I would turn off my own discernment in favor for whatever I was being instructed to do by our church leader. The person I have grown to distrust the most and the person I betrayed the most was myself.  Examples: Early in our journey, we had a small group. For the most part, I LOVED small group nights. Until we had a change of seasons. I had just had my third baby. We were living in a rental property while renovating another home ourselves. I was working on leading our developing children's ministry and feeling over my head. Ian worked afternoons so either small group would take one of only two family nights or would be when he was working, leaving me to attend alone most of the time. Our small group had roughly 10-15 small chil...
Post a Comment
You Know You Want to Know More....>>

Fruit & Root Connection: Tangled Up

Certainly, I've expressed my aversion to hyper-spiritualized language before. It often feels contrived, lacking authenticity—a facade of piety. Perhaps it's projection. Maybe jealousy. Or it could stem from a sense of disillusionment with the Christian community. But every so often, amidst the noise, a truth resonates deeply. "There is a root and fruit connection between heart and behavior. People and situations do not determine our behavior; these things provide an occasion where our behavior reveals our hearts." - Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands I've been navigating through my anger, confronting myself in the mirror. What does this anger unveil about my own heart? Surely, they aren't as enraged with me. In fact, they probably don't spare me a second thought. If anything, they—as sincerely as they can muster—bemoan my status as an apostate. So pitiful. My fruit is anger. And too often, I'm tempted to point fingers elsewhere as the source of my...
Post a Comment
You Know You Want to Know More....>>

The Stages of Grief: Anger

*In Usher singing voice: This is my confession* I am angry. I am rageful. I am bitter. I am reminded over and over that anger is not necessarily a sin. But trust me, I have crossed the line into sin. I told my director that I needed to write her number on my hand so I had someone to call and bail me out. Their stupid conference had me triggered. A plagiarized conference based off their cult leader, Doug Wilson. In a building that so many faithfully gave for them to purchase. Most of those givers no longer attend. I had daydreamed about printing us all t-shirts that said "Time to trip Sally"--A play off a sermon the pastor preached about-- 'this is not saying that there is never a situation where physical force maybe the most loving thing you can do..right? Sometimes the most loving thing you can do, is maybe, actually, to use physical force. Not simply, you know, physically turning the other cheek........At the same time, if Sally is coming into church to hurt people, may...
Post a Comment
You Know You Want to Know More....>>

The False Fence

Throughout our time in that community, I imagined many of the people in our church would be in our lives forever. I pictured attending our children’s weddings together. Specifically, to celebrate marriages to each other, if we were lucky. I wanted to make my church family, my children’s in-laws. We did lake weekends together. We cried on each other's kitchen floors. Ate at each other's dining room tables. We did life together. And not in the cliche ways church usually means. Like, we did all of life together. We went to the gym together. Our children mostly went to the same schools together. Until we all pulled them out of public schools and homeschooled them. Membership to our church was not taken lightly. It was a covenant relationship. covenant. (noun)- an agreement. A promise. Usually with God or God’s people.  In a life where I felt like I was constantly being left, I loved the security I felt in such a deep and intense relationship. A covenant. I felt like my membership ...
Post a Comment
You Know You Want to Know More....>>

Should I Stay or Should I Go

At the time, deciding to leave felt like the most agonizing part of the whole ordeal. In hindsight, a few years of prayer journals were filled with distressing agony over desiring direction and reconciliation.  So much turmoil and emotional pain all the time. But we were constantly told that was to be expected. Hard was good. Hard truths. And iron sharpening iron. But in reality, We were all enduring death by a thousand paper-cuts. In reality, it was spiritual abuse.  In July of 2022, I sat in a lawn chair in California. It felt like a million miles from home.  We had been traveling the US, and hadn’t been home in weeks. I sat there, eating my bowl of chili.  As wonderful as the trip has been, I started to miss home. In my reflections. I counted my blessings. Home was good. Except one thing, I had a sense of dread when I thought about church. My chest would go tight. And my body felt shaky. I craved Jesus. I craved worship. I craved devotion. Being in God’s creation,...
Post a Comment
You Know You Want to Know More....>>